Knitting Myself into a Box

I don't think I have it in me to account for my day. Essentially it was full of wonderful visits with wonderful women and watching my children and a handful of their closest friends perform songs about faith and Jesus at the culmination of their week-long VBS. To say any more than that regarding those events will reduce me to a puddle all over again. :-)

On a funnier note - I am 2.5 inches away from finishing knitting a scarf for P. I have made one for S and for their son already. Sadly, I just realized I cannot finish said scarf because I have to switch to smaller needles for the last bit. The size 5 needles I need are currently securely stored away in a box which is probably heading to an airport as I type, on it's way to France, so that I can continue to work on some knitting projects over the next 12 months. (I promise, Lauryn, I WILL finish your sweater!!!)

Oops!

Hopefully, my mom will have the size I need and I can borrow them from her Sunday night when I see her. Then I will spend Monday morning finishing the scarf and when she sees me off at the airport I can return her needles to her. It's not like I had anything else planned for Monday morning anyway. HA!

I just think this scenario is hysterical. Or maybe I find it so funny because I am bordering on hysterical myself at this point. I don't know. I'm off to laugh myself to sleep for a change. :-)

FOUR

I don't feel like I was very motivated today. Due to my best friend's post from yesterday and mine from earlier today, my emotions swam around in my eyes just dying for opportunities to pour out all day long.

However, despite this, I still managed to take the kids to VBS, get new tires on the truck, return books to the library, take my valuables to our safe deposit box and take an inventory if its contents, drop off a truck load of stuff at Goodwill, pick up the kids (one of whom came home early complaining of a sore throat!), make eye masks for Vivi and I for the plane ride, help my dear friend make a skirt for me, clean my disaster area of a kitchen (three loads of dishes!), wipe down all the kitchen cabinets, hang out with my best friend and her daughter, go to my last Bible study for the year {sob}, pick up David's prescription, and help David pack. Which, by the way, was so convicting. He's packing next to NOTHING compared to what I packed for me.

I'm trying to stop now so I can go to bed, but I don't want to lay there in the dark thinking. So I'm waiting until I am near comatose so as to skip over the crying myself to sleep part.

Who knew doing something so "fun and exciting" would include this agony? Thank God, thank God, thank God it is only for a year. I don't know how people do this under more permanent circumstances.

(I think it is funny that a week from now my posts will be about all the fun and excitement. Will there be even a trace of this grief I feel so heavily now? Probably not. Mom would say I am so fickle. And she'd be right.)

A Confession for Crystal et al.

My best friend posted this yesterday. Needless to say, I called her this morning.

"What?! You couldn't wait FOUR days to post that?! You know, hit 'save draft' and come back to it later?! No. You just had to post it now. Sheesh, my productivity level for the next four days has dropped 110%. Now all I want to do is go hang out with you or cry in my bed instead."

We had a good laugh and I ended with, "turn about is fair play."

So, now it's my turn.

What some readers may not know is this dream to live in France and speak French fluently is a close second to my first dream. You know those photos of an old couple surrounded by the legacy they've made of children and grandchildren? Photos like this one:

I've always wanted that to be me in the center there, only maybe smiling, but enveloped nonetheless by living testimonies to the love David and I share and the love of Christ in our lives. Well, 12 years of infertility, one adoption and one medically-inexplicable birth later and I've got me, my husband and our two beautiful, miracle children. I am blessed. Beyond belief. However this blessing doesn't look the way I always thought it would.

And sometimes, watching my best friend create her own version of the photo above (they've just added child #5 and are still going strong) is harder on me than I care to admit. Even when I think I have peace and contentment about God's plan for my family, I have moments where negative thoughts steal my joy and pose a potential threat to one of the most important relationships in my life.

Am I running to France for a year to "get away from it all?" Well, no... and yes. Like Crystal said in her blog, "though I don't idolize my friendships, per se, I can become very dependent on them." Living vicariously through Crystal will really only take me so far. Filling my life with amazing friendships (like Kajijis, Thursday night Bible study and our house church), will never make up for my family being smaller than I'd hoped.

So I am going. And I am praying in this year of being just the Four of Us I will acquire a deeper level of contentment and peace. That I will learn what being Four really looks like and feels like and grow to appreciate it completely for what God's plan was for this family and for me. Of course, I am also praying the actualization of dream #2 will be all I hoped for and more, but regardless of how this year ends up, am grateful that it will never, ever be able to take the place of true friendship.

I can't wait to come home.

Five Days to Go

This morning I was off and running with the goal to get my bedroom completely cleaned out and organized and deep-cleaned before noon. On top of meeting that goal, I also went through Bo's, Vivi's and my remaining clothes, made outfits for the next five days, figured out what were were going to wear on the plane and packed or boxed-up the rest! Then two ANGELS came with LUNCH and helping hands for the afternoon and we completely cleaned out, organized and deep-cleaned the dining room.

Then I had another lovely goodbye-visit with a friend and her kids, after which my mom, dad and nieces came, bringing dinner. I knew they were bringing food, but I didn't know what - they surprised me with Lobster and all the fixings. We ate like New England Royalty. It was wonderful. Then one more goodbye visit with two other dear Sisters and now I am ready to collapse into bed.

Which is a very good idea, because I just saw my kitchen and it looks like a bomb exploded. Good thing it is one of the last rooms left to do! I guess that will be my top-priority tomorrow!

Bonne nuit!

Dinner Conversation

I know I said I wasn't going to add to today's post - but I just had to tell this crazy story -
David and I went to dinner at a little restaurant in the middle of nowhere in Maine. We were seated in a corner, right next to a table of four. As we were receiving our menus and getting situated I realized the two couples next to us were all speaking.... FRENCH!!!

Quelle coincidence!

I spent the entire evening drumming up the nerve to interrupt them and ask them where they were from. On our way out I addressed them EN FRANCAIS and learned they were on vacation from Montreal. We had a lovely little chat and they were very, very encouraging - telling me my French was very good and that for sure our children will speak excellent French by this time next year.

It was so cool. Another moment gifted to me from above. God is so good to me.

Day Six and the Wall

I've hit my wall. I'm feeling very done and I don't want to do any of this anymore. By "this" I mean packing, cleaning, organizing, planning, thinking....

As a result, today's productivity level isn't all that impressive. I slept in until 8AM - which is a hallelujah, praise the Lord miracle. Then I scampered around so as to get the kids to VBS by 8:45. We figured having the kids have something to do with some of their friends every morning this week would be really good for all of us - they'll have some fun time, I'll have some interruption-free work time. While they were gone I ate breakfast, picked up two dear friends and two of my dear God-children and we ran errands. I got another piece of luggage for SIX BUCKS at Savers! Woo-hoo!

Stopped off at home to unload stuff before I went to get the kids, then lunch, then I worked on packing some carry-on luggage and figuring out what could get shipped over. We are shipping over our winter outerwear, my knitting supplies and some Wildtree Herb products so we have some guarantee of eating something familiar from time to time. We shall see if we will need to ship more soon.

At some point in the midst of that one of my best friends came over to help and so her daughter and Vivi could play. Poor Beverly caught me at a point when I was ready to just curl up in a ball and hum for a few hours. But she helped me rally and we finished those projects and packed Bo's suitcase, as well as stored up some of our stuff we aren't taking. Then we just visited. Which was wonderful, but bittersweet.

The part I hate the most about this adventure is that everyone's lives here will keep on going like always and I won't be here to be a part of it. Beverly is being baptized the end of the month and I won't be there to cry through the whole thing. (I am such a sucker for baptisms.) Then she is moving and I won't be here to help her pack (something I love doing), help her organize her new spaces (something I love doing even more), or help her paint and decorate (my favorite). Plus my newest God-son will spend the first year of his life doing all those first-year-of-life-firsts and I will miss them all. This is a very short example of a very long list of stuff I won't be around for.

I don't want to sound ungrateful or disappointed. I brought this upon myself and we are, after all, about to spend a year living in France! But there are people I will miss so much it hurts and no amount of French wine or visits to Paris can change that. (But I suppose it will be fun trying!)

Anyway - this evening David and I go out to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. We certainly never could have dreamed our 15th year would be spent in France. But, this will be our last date for a looooooong time as we don't figure on having trusted childcare all that quickly overseas. So I sure hope we can find something to talk about other than the stresses of this temporary move. :-) I don't anticipate being all that "productive" when we get back, so I am assuming it is safe to post today's account a little early. ;-)

One Week To Go

The kids and I stayed at my parents' last night. As we were driving the familiar route home, it hit me. That was the last time I will stay there for a whole year. Well, of course I got all choked up and had to blink a ton to avoid completely losing it. I had totally set myself up for that - during part of our visit there, I took the kids past two of the houses I lived in growing up, so I was all kinds of nostalgic. I had never done that with them before, even though we drive by those roads every time we visit my parents.

It was fun to show my children part of my childhood. Memories of overnights in tree forts, bike rides to the beach, painting squares on my bedroom floor, laughing till I cried and crying till I laughed filled my heart.

I wonder if anyone else feels compelled to visit the past when your future is about to change so drastically, or was that just a fluke on my part? I wonder what memory-making is in store for us and if we will feel like France was "once our home" or "just a place we visited once."

Anyway, back at home, it was nose to the grindstone - I thoroughly cleaned Bo's bedroom, Vivi's bedroom, our upstairs storage room, and back hallway. "Thoroughly cleaning" includes tasks like washing the wood trim & doors, washing windows, cleaning cobwebs, dusting everything in sight, cleaning out drawers/cabinets/closets; washing window treatments & light fixtures; and sweeping the floors. Plus I made curried chicken salad and took a shower.

My afternoon concluded with another lovely visit with another lovely friend. It has been critical that I have set a pace for myself that has allowed for these precious reunions with friends and family. It's a good thing I started this process a month ago! I am going to miss so many people SO MUCH! Thank God this commitment is only one year long.

Made Bo's favorite meal for dinner - Fish N Chips (it's too bad we won't be in England!). Cleaned the kitchen, sorted the laundry & did a load, hung up two pictures in Bo's room that have been leaning against furniture in there for YEARS (no exaggeration), put the kids to bed, cleaned up from dinner, worked on P's scarf while watching Mama Mia, repositioned and hung up pictures in the playroom, and went through a stack of old VHS to see whether I could throw them out or not. SO glad I took the time to do this because hidden in the pile was my high school graduation, a presentation I did on high school dropouts (I think from my sophomore year in HS?), and the video from our Baby Party before Bo was born!

Apparently today's theme was tripping down memory lane...