A Confession for Crystal et al.

My best friend posted this yesterday. Needless to say, I called her this morning.

"What?! You couldn't wait FOUR days to post that?! You know, hit 'save draft' and come back to it later?! No. You just had to post it now. Sheesh, my productivity level for the next four days has dropped 110%. Now all I want to do is go hang out with you or cry in my bed instead."

We had a good laugh and I ended with, "turn about is fair play."

So, now it's my turn.

What some readers may not know is this dream to live in France and speak French fluently is a close second to my first dream. You know those photos of an old couple surrounded by the legacy they've made of children and grandchildren? Photos like this one:

I've always wanted that to be me in the center there, only maybe smiling, but enveloped nonetheless by living testimonies to the love David and I share and the love of Christ in our lives. Well, 12 years of infertility, one adoption and one medically-inexplicable birth later and I've got me, my husband and our two beautiful, miracle children. I am blessed. Beyond belief. However this blessing doesn't look the way I always thought it would.

And sometimes, watching my best friend create her own version of the photo above (they've just added child #5 and are still going strong) is harder on me than I care to admit. Even when I think I have peace and contentment about God's plan for my family, I have moments where negative thoughts steal my joy and pose a potential threat to one of the most important relationships in my life.

Am I running to France for a year to "get away from it all?" Well, no... and yes. Like Crystal said in her blog, "though I don't idolize my friendships, per se, I can become very dependent on them." Living vicariously through Crystal will really only take me so far. Filling my life with amazing friendships (like Kajijis, Thursday night Bible study and our house church), will never make up for my family being smaller than I'd hoped.

So I am going. And I am praying in this year of being just the Four of Us I will acquire a deeper level of contentment and peace. That I will learn what being Four really looks like and feels like and grow to appreciate it completely for what God's plan was for this family and for me. Of course, I am also praying the actualization of dream #2 will be all I hoped for and more, but regardless of how this year ends up, am grateful that it will never, ever be able to take the place of true friendship.

I can't wait to come home.